Since we are heading back to school for another school year, it’s important to understand some of the issues that can come up. It is expected for your child not to want to go to school every now and again, as we all know how great a day “off” can be. However, if your child is regularly expressing that they “don’t want to go to school,” or even have meltdowns at the prospect of going to school, you are probably having questions like, “Should I be worried? Why doesn’t my child like school? And how on earth can I get them to attend school peacefully?”
This article aims to provide guidance about what to do when your child does not want to go to school.
What is school refusal?
School refusal, also sometimes referred to as school avoidance, occurs when a child protests against going to school and attempts to avoid going or staying at school. School refusal is different from a “bad day,” because it typically lasts for a prolonged period and/or is highly distressing/disruptive.
School refusal can look like:
If your child’s behavior as it relates to school is negatively affecting your child’s ability to learn, or your family’s ability to function, it is time to seek additional help. That could look like, making you late for work, agitating or negatively influencing siblings’ perspective on school, adding extra stress, sparking conflicts between you and your partner, and beyond.
If your family is experiencing any of these challenges, know that you are not alone and that support exists for you! A mental health expert will be able to evaluate your child’s behavior as it relates to school, provide insights about what might be causing it, and offer treatment, as applicable.
What causes school refusal?
Unfortunately, there is no universally true answer for why your child does not want to go to school. However, here are a few common reasons why children may be avoiding school:
Keep in mind that this list is only a starting point; there may be other reasons why your child is avoiding school.
If you are worried, an evaluation with a child mental health expert can provide more clarity. They will look for signs of mental health concerns, like anxiety, depression, or learning disabilities, to help you determine a path forward.
How to respond to school avoidance?
Here are three expert tips for how to respond to school avoidance.
Step 1: Try to Understand Why Your Child Does not Want to Go to School
As with most parenting challenges, it helps to approach your child with empathy, and attempt to understand their viewpoint.
Depending on your child’s age, they may be able to express their reluctance to go to school verbally. In other cases, you might have to play the detective. When your child is calm, you might try asking questions like:
Think about changes at home that could be affecting their approach to school, like a move, recent loss, parental separation, or any other big changes.
Take what they say seriously and do your best to understand.
Step 2: Collaborate with your child’s school.
In many cases, your child’s school and teacher(s) can be a valuable resource both for understanding why your child does not want to go to school, and for supporting them in attending.
While you are trying to identify the reasons, it can be helpful to speak with teachers and school leaders. They may have noticed specific challenges, be aware of bullying, or even have heard from your child directly. You may want to ask if they have noticed any anxious behaviors, frequent stomach aches, lots of nurse visits, etc. Some schools will even allow you to observe your child in the classroom.
Once you know the reasons why your child is avoiding school, it is helpful to share that with the school, too. Often, they can help watch for bullying, provide resources for learning disabilities, and connect your family with more support.
Step 3: Problem-solve with your child.
It is important to show your child that you support them by problem-solving with them. Simply letting them know you are going to figure it out together can make a world of difference.
Your plan for addressing school avoidance will depend on why your child does not want to go to school. For example, if they are having a lot of fun at home, you might try limiting screen time during school hours. On the other hand, children living with anxiety that results in school avoidance might benefit from therapy and exercises.
Working through these problems together, and empowering your child to go back to school with more calm, can help them build confidence and practice resilience.
As you follow through on your plan, do your best to express your understanding and be encouraging, without being stressed, upset, or frustrated with them.
Tips for dealing with school anxiety
If you believe that your child is experiencing school anxiety, it is important to speak with a mental health professional for an evaluation. Treatments like cognitive-behavioral therapy are often very helpful for childhood anxiety. A mental health professional will be able to help develop specific skills and practices.
In the meantime, here are two things that may help: